A new joke will be added every few days, so come back often. Thank you. - Khoi
Subject: Have you seen Aladdin ?
You know the song 'A whole new world' from Aladdin, well here's something better, 'A whole nude world'
A Whole Nude World
Aladdin:
I can show you my penis,
Big and sparkling and splendid,
I can make it extended
On my magic mattress ride.
I can open your thighs,
Rock your body like thunder,
Over, sideways, and under
On my magic mattress ride.
A whole nude world,
A new fantastic way to screw,
Everyone tells me "no,"
I need a blow,
So I can start my screaming.
Jasmine:
A whole nude world,
My sizzling space you never knew,
But when you're way down there,
Engrossed in hair,
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.
Aladdin:
Now I'm in a whole nude world with you.
Jasmine
Unbelievable size,
Indescribable squealing,
Leaning, bending, and kneeling
At my moist and gaping thighs.
A whole nude world
Aladdin:
Don't you dare close your thighs
Jasmine:
A hundred thousand sperm in me
Aladdin:
Hold your breath-- it gets better
Jasmine:
I'm like a shooting star,
I've come so far,
I can't go back to my virginity.
Aladdin:
A whole nude world
Jasmine:
Every thrust of your thighs
Aladdin:
With new positions we can screw
Jasmine:
Every moment gets wetter
Both:
I'll lick you anywhere,
Hey, I don't care,
Let me share this whole nude world with you.
Aladdin:
A whole nude world
Jasmine:
A whole nude world
Aladdin:
That's where we'll be
Jasmine:
That's where we'll be
Aladdin:
A thrilling taste
Jasmine:
Of my hot place
Both:
To you from me.
You like ?
Answering Machine Messages
Please feel free to try these...
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine
this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling
and a number where I can reach you,
and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar,
then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now
and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now because
we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right
.......real slow.........So leave a message,
and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.
(You might want to edit the names to your own names)
Greed
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant.
"Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?"
demands the gangster.
The accountant is silent.
"Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains, "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
So using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant
about the money, and the message is relayed back
that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to
the deaf accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer,
"Ask him again where my money is!"
"Okay!Okay!" the deaf accountant sighs back.
"The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my back yard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies,
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
B.S
I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
Coincident
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents.
This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner,
she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy;
a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy,
it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend
at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, 'come on in'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to her boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were so religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
The CAFE
In a Cafe
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says,
"The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No.
Help yourself." He takes it and starts to eat it.
When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Sometimes Betting Is Good
During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day.
He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a
round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of
the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge
wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't beleive what
he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a
professional
gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean,
your
odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The
bartender
thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.
"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give
you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said
the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not
blind,
I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out
his
false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I
win
so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of
the $50", said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night
playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card
playing,
he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll
give
you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one
foot
and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a
drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up
straight
on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar,
stood
on one leg, and began peeing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender,
himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me
$500!".
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the
guys
in the card room $1000 each that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still
make
you laugh!"
Random SEX Jokes
What do tits and toy trains have in common?
They were originally made for the kids, but it's dads who always playwith them.
What does eating pu**y and the mafia have in common?
One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit.
A Dry Cigarette
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. One of them takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it starts to rain so the women who is smoking takes out a condom, cut's of the end and carefully placed it over the cigarette the shield it form the rain. The other lady looks at that and said
"Thats such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?
"It's a condom." The other lady says
"Well where can you buy those?"
"Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies"
So the lady who was asking all the questions goes to a pharmacie and walks up to the counter.
"Do you guys sell those condom things?" The lady says to the pharmacist "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused "do you know what size you need?"
So the lady says "Well its got to fit a Camel."
Excuses
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today.
Please execute him.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend
with the Marines.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either,
sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father
even got hot last night.
Computer-Illiterates
The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return
Key"
because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag
the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies
of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on,
and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to
close the door to his room.
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you
get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional.
It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder,
and snapped it off the drive!"
Pick-Up Lines
1. Get a single rose and walk up to her/him, hand it to that person, and say...
Here this buds for you.
2. Is there an airport near or is that my heart taking off.
3. Male: Girl, You know your dad's a thief,
Female: Why?
Male: Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes
4. Excuse me. Did you just fart?
5. Hey, my name is milk and I could do your body good.
6. A: Excuse me.....What time is it??
B: [gives time]
A: I'm sorry, did you just say "I love you!"?
Dranken Harry
Harry had a bit of a drinking problem.
Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole, and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways."
The wife thought it was worth trying.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, quickly went to it, opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"
Sunday School
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''
Cartwheeling for Cash
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
