HAZARDOUS

(HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET)
MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Women
SYMBOL: Wo
DISCOVERER: Orpheus

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg

OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. boils at nothing; freezes without known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states from virgin mental to common ore
6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Has great affinity for gold, sliver, and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increase greatly by saturation in alcohol


COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

TEST

1. Pure specimen turns rosy when discovered in the natural state
2. turns green when placed beside a better specimen

HAZARDS

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimen don't come into direct contact with each other


Be Warned....

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl... "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

Genie In A Bottle

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."

The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked.

The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! "

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferrari's," said the Genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."


The Test

Three young Irish candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's willy.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Run along now and take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Off you go... take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."

* Ting-a-ling*


Lack Of Knowledge

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."


Ebonics


Leroy is an 18 year old ninth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system......................One day Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following words in a sentence. This is what Leroy did.

  1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.
  2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.
  3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.
  4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORCLOSE.
  5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night, Man, somebody give that CATACOMB.
  6. PENIS - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.
  7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
  8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.
  9. TRIPOLI - I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI.
  10. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
  11. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM.
  12. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.
  13. HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.
  14. INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.
  15. HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first?
  16. FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.


Leroy got an A.


CIA

Three guys are applying for a job at the CIA. After the initial interview they give the guys the "loyalty" test. They hand a gun to the first guy, tell him his best friend is in the next room and he is to go in there and shoot him. After a few minutes, the guy comes back, hands the gun to the interviewer, shakes his head and says,"I just could'nt do it."

The second guy - same thing.

The third guy takes the gun, goes into the other room. They all hear,"Bang..BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG." Then a bunch of crashing, hollering and thrashing. Finally, the guy comes out and says,"Well, I shot him, but some fool put blanks in the gun. I had to kill him with the chair."


Checkout your Horrorscope....really in Horror!


Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
        You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
        You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly
        because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces
Feb 10 - Mar 20
        You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You
        are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do
        nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are
        a prick.

Aries
Mar 21 - May 20
        You have a wild imagination and often think you are being
        followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your
        friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You
        lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus
April 20 - May 20
        You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
        determination and work like hell. Most people think your are
        stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamed
        communist.

Gemini
May 21 - June 20
        You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
        you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too
        little. This means your are a cheap bastard. Geminis are
        notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer
June 21 - July 22
        You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems,
        which makes you a sucker. Your are always putting things off.
        That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a
        shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo
July 21 - Aug 22
        You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are and
        idiot. most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate
        criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
        motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sept 22
        You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking
        attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are
        cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos
        make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra
Sept 23 - Oct 21
        Your are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with
        reality. If your are a male you are probably queer. Chances for
        employment and monetary gain are nill. Most Libra women are
        whores. All Libras die of venereal desease.

Scorpio
Oct 22 - Nov 21
        You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You are the worst
        of the lot. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of
        your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch.
        Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
        You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
        tendency to rely on your luck since your have no talent. The
        majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece
        of shit.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
        You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are
        basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any
        importance. You should kill yourself.
Sorry, but that's what the stars said... :)



Genie In A Bottle (Version 2)

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie. "As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbor, Jones.

"Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow,"...to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.

"Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man.

There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?" asked the genie"

"I want to lose a testicle." said the man.

I ALSO LIKE THE PUNCHLINE WHERE HE TELLS THE GENIE--"I WANT TO BE SCARED HALF TO DEATH"


Revenge is the Best Medicine

A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed. "Jerry, I..., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well." "No, Jerry. I have been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I,..., I've been unfaithful to you. I slept with your best friend, Phil. I am so terribly sorry."


"Yes, dear, I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"


Things you don't want to hear during surgery

  1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
  3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
  4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
  5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
  6. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
  7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. -
  8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  9. Damn, there go the lights again...
  10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."
  11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! ...and could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my ...concentration off
  12. What do mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
  13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  14. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
  15. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
  16. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
  17. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
  18. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
  19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
  20. Nurse We Better Notify His Family
  21. Nurse Do You Mind Picking Up That Thing That Just Droped?


Too Much Is Enough

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Arky said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...", at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.


Do Ill To Others, Ill Returns To You

Some Gangsters, think of robbing a bank, they make the best plan that can be made and start to work. A day or two later they are able to get in the bank. They see hundreds of safes, the head gangster says, open the first one up. They open the safe and only thing they find in there is a vanilla pudding.

The Head Gangster says " Ok what can we do, at least we can eat it."

So they ate the pudding. They open up the second Safe and there stays another one, they eat this one too. This process goes on for the rest of the safes. They get out all stuffed. And they say at least we were able to eat.

Next day, on the news: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people."


Sometimes Alone Is Better

A business man checks into a very fancy hotel and tells the desk clerk he has no meetings today and would like some "companionship", price is no object.

The desk clerk says that he understands and someone will be at his door in ten minutes. Ten minutes later there is a knock on the man's door. He opens it and sees the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life.

He tells her, "I'm in no hurry today, let's go real slow. What do you get for a hand-job?"

She says, "$1000."

He screams, "$1000! No hand-job is worth $1000!"

She pulls him to the window, points outside and says, "You see that liquor store down there? I bought that store with the money that I got just from hand-jobs!"

He gives her the money and sure enough the hand-job is like nothing he's ever had before. She does things that he didn't believe were possible with a hand. It's worth every penny.

"That's incredible," he says. What do you get for a blow-job?"

"$5000."

"$5000! No blow-job is worth $5000."

She takes him to the window and points, "You see that Rolls-Royce dealership? I bought that dealership with money I got from blow-jobs."

He gives her the money and the blow-job is the greatest thing he's ever known. Like rockets and fireworks and explosions. When it's over, he says, "I've GOT to have that pussy!" She takes him to the window, points, and says, "You see that skyscraper?. . . If I had a pussy, I could buy that skyscraper."


Sometimes Accidents Brings Joy

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."



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